Author: Kellie Cowles

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Squirrel Bait and the 3 Strikes

She was the perfect bait to catch this squirrelly woman, so of course I’ve named her Squirrel Bait!

I bought her specifically for adventure and what better one that spending the New Year transition breaking her in camping. What could possibly go wrong?

Strike 1: I had a rough idea of heading to Joshua Tree, but between a late start (4pm) , traffic, and not knowing where I was going, I shifted gears at the last minute and headed for familiar territory… Chilao Campground up in Angeles Forest. My first time ever driving up to snow country (of course, without chains on hand), and while the roads were perfectly clear and safe, all the runoff water warned me that they would be icy and slippery after dark. When I reached Chilao the sun was setting aaaaand… the campground was closed thanks to what looked (to my inexperienced eyes) like 2 ft snow base. Doh! (Note to self, check campground status ahead of time.)

Strike 2: I’d also seen a bunch of private campsites on Hipcamp out of Palmdale, so instead of heading back down the mountain I headed for the other side. I was sure I’d find someplace on my way over… nope. When I finally reached reception, I googled campgrounds and headed for the closest. That led me on 7 miles of fabulous single track dirt roads (Squirrel performed perfectly, btw) into the back country… only to find the place was long closed. There was no boondocking out there either, thanks to all the private properties. So, I doubled back to the next two campgrounds along yet another dirt road. (Google maps are awesome, but nothing warned of the dirt roads, so I’m sure glad I wasn’t driving the Prius.) Both wanted $40-$45 to just park overnight… Seriously. Who would pay that?? Certainly not me!

Strike 3: Knowing I couldn’t drive around all night, I pointed my car in the general direction of home, somewhere along Soledad Canyon Road, keeping an eye out for dirt side roads where I could stay without being harassed or rousted. About 8pm I passed one that got my attention, so I doubled back and WOW! Purely by God’s Grace I’d stumbled into the perfect location. A closed and empty day-camp site with room for only 2-3 cars. I settled in, set up camp in mere minutes just like I’d planned and got ready to make food. Only to find that NONE of my fire starter material was packed in its usual place. I’d gone camping without fire… one of the 10 Essentials! 😱 I was appalled and dismayed. No way I could stay without hot food and drink; it was 8:30 and already down to the high 30’s. Instead of panicking, I prayed, got quiet and thought. DOH! My jetboil has an automatic spark starter (that I never used because I was scared of it.) So I said another quick prayer and tried it, aaaand… it worked perfectly and continued to all evening and morning. The adventure was saved, purely thanks to God’s Grace!

So what lesson do I take in to 2020… First, that I’m really not as brave as I like to think. I was scared of the possibility of driving on ice, I was scared of encountering bad people, I was scared that the strewn trash in the campground was from bears, heck, I was even scared of my own jetboil. But I didn’t let any of these fears stop me, because I do know that God is always with me and come what may, He’s in charge. I trust that, so I keep going forward, through the fear… into the next adventure.

They say that women come in to their own in their 60’s because they let go of all the baggage of their youth, all the regrets, have to’s, opinions, and naysayers. That sure feels right in my case so, bring on the Roaring 20’s, they are going to be epic!

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Despair, Hope and Purpose

Despair….

This holiday season has been by far the hardest I’ve had to walk through since I first became a single, sober woman 17+ years ago. Is it the crushing weight of the outside world? There’s no denying that we live in very dark times. Or, maybe it’s my inside world… This is my last holiday season as a “fifty-something” and I’m closing in on my sixth decade alone, without a spouse to grow old and senile together. Or maybe it’s because I’ve finally stopped aggressively trying to date and even discontinued the hormone therapy that did nothing but forestall the inevitable course of my aging.

I’ve always been an “up by the bootstraps” kind of gal, optimistic to a fault and never held down long by setbacks or defeat. That is until recently, when the perfect storm of all these realities hit me upside the head and left me reeling.

There are many worthwhile things that keep me occupied… from attending church activities and bible studies, to coaching my clients and slowly building a successful business, planning my 60th birthday challenge, executing effective fitness training, and simply spending time with close friends. These are all wonderful ways to pass my time, but when I am trapped by despair even the best of days feel futile.

I’ve been doing everything I know to shift my perspective… visiting my favorite therapist, giving myself permission to eat almost unlimited comfort foods (like my mom’s stuffed pork chops and tuna casserole of all things), even knowing I’ll pay a scale price when I get to the other side of whatever this is. I’ve also been fully celebrating the holidays with friends and not hiding from them like I’d have preferred. That has at least given me many moments of joy to help temper the darkness that descends when the world gets too quiet again.

Hope…

Thankfully God heard my heart. I went to church this morning and I heard THE very sermon that I didn’t even know I desperately needed to hear! I’m still quite new to Christianity and haven’t spent much time thinking about what comes after this life. Today I learned that if I’m feeling despair in this world (Shocker… I’m not the only one), it’s because there is NO real hope to be found here. Our hope can only come from what awaits us after this life… resurrection and eternity with God. Resurrection. That’s our Jesus’ cornerstone. He lived. He died. He resurrected. That means that we will too. I’ve read enough proof that my critical mind is satisfied with my conclusion and my heart already knows this to be fact, so belief has become the easy part. Now it’s time to build my faith in having received the grace to get to spend forever with Jesus.

Our Pastor says we need to stay centered on this hope so that we are able to fulfill our purpose for being here. I’m sure I’ve heard that many times before, but apparently not absorbed it because today it brought me to tears. Why? Because today was the first time I’d really caught a glimpse of what we can anticipate in Heaven and why it’s so important that we stay here as long as he requires.

Purpose…

So just what’s our purpose? To bring the light of our loving God to those around us who also want out of the despair of hopelessness. I personally think God’s light manifests differently for each Christian. For me today, it simply means that even the smallest acts of connection, kindness and love matter, including finding the courage to open my mouth or use my keyboard, when the Holy Spirit moves me to share.

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No the TV wasn’t stolen

It seems Sunday afternoons are now about writing, reflecting and sometimes sharing. So check out this photo…. of a great big empty wall. The same wall that up until last Thursday held my TV, DVD player and router.

My “no TV” wall…

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to going through withdrawals. I’ve grown surprisingly dependent on using the TV as a source of distraction when feeling overwhelmed, of solace when feeling lonely, of entertainment when feeling bored and even for exploring Christianity when my need to know God wasn’t satisfied by reading, church and prayer.

So what possessed me to give the whole kit and caboodle away? Two reasons… First, I was spending way too much time watching, including when work had to be done and deadlines were looming. I’d get overwhelmed so I’d leave my desk and say “I just need a small break,” then I’d end up having to work well in to the evenings to meet deadlines.

Having a TV in such close proximity has been the only real downside to working from home. Now I get up, walk around, maybe get a snack or drink, take a few deep breaths and sit back down. It doesn’t work quite as well at decompressing my stress, but then I’m only spending a few minutes away at a time, so that’s to be expected. I’ve accomplished quite a bit with it gone, so the material benefits are already obvious. Plus, I’ve been falling asleep much earlier now that I spend an hour or so reading in bed instead of sitting in front of a blue light machine.

The second reason stemmed from the quality of the shows I was watching. I’m steadily becoming more sensitive to what influences I allow in my world and how they impact my thoughts and behavior. I’ve been finding I’m no longer comfortable with all the extreme violence, seriously foul language, blatant sex and assorted other debauchery, unless of course I’m in a dark mood. Then those shows call out to me in a way I can’t hardly explain. It seems that when I don’t feel God or connection with humanity for whatever reason (I suspect no one does all the time,) then I don’t seem to want to watch anything wholesome, heartwarming or uplifting. I get bored and restless and instead watch some dark jaded show (the latest being Black Mirror and The Boys) and end up just feeling vaguely polluted and yucky.

I’d noticed this pattern last month and intuitively knew the solution (thank you Holy Spirit), but wrestled with letting go. There are occasionally good shows too and I really clung to the excuse of hosting movie night with friends. Positive that I’d never see my friends if I didn’t have them over for TV. Really? As if we couldn’t dine, play games and just chat, right? Regardless of all that rationalizing, it was last Wednesday night TV that sent me over the edge. The show was just so cynical and violent that I looked up when it was over and knew down to my toes that it had to stop. I’d had enough. So, I asked a friend if she’d like an upgrade on her stuff and the wall was empty by noon the next day.

It’s taking some effort to adjust my focus and find healthier outlets, but they’re already coming… Lots more walking, reading, a bit more writing, a bit more Audible and eventually I’ll add speakers for music, which I used to play it through the TV speakers. Plus my head is already clear, my conscience silent and my heart steadily lightening. Well worth the price of having to watch movies in the theater or at friends houses.

As I’m writing, I’m acutely aware of the sound of my porch fountain and almost nothing else. This is one of those times when I get to lean into the discomfort because I can already feel the excellent of this silence, slowly clearing my ears for that quiet inside nudge that is leading me in the direction of uncharted territory.