Despair….
This holiday season has been by far the hardest I’ve had to walk through since I first became a single, sober woman 17+ years ago. Is it the crushing weight of the outside world? There’s no denying that we live in very dark times. Or, maybe it’s my inside world… This is my last holiday season as a “fifty-something” and I’m closing in on my sixth decade alone, without a spouse to grow old and senile together. Or maybe it’s because I’ve finally stopped aggressively trying to date and even discontinued the hormone therapy that did nothing but forestall the inevitable course of my aging.
I’ve always been an “up by the bootstraps” kind of gal, optimistic to a fault and never held down long by setbacks or defeat. That is until recently, when the perfect storm of all these realities hit me upside the head and left me reeling.
There are many worthwhile things that keep me occupied… from attending church activities and bible studies, to coaching my clients and slowly building a successful business, planning my 60th birthday challenge, executing effective fitness training, and simply spending time with close friends. These are all wonderful ways to pass my time, but when I am trapped by despair even the best of days feel futile.
I’ve been doing everything I know to shift my perspective… visiting my favorite therapist, giving myself permission to eat almost unlimited comfort foods (like my mom’s stuffed pork chops and tuna casserole of all things), even knowing I’ll pay a scale price when I get to the other side of whatever this is. I’ve also been fully celebrating the holidays with friends and not hiding from them like I’d have preferred. That has at least given me many moments of joy to help temper the darkness that descends when the world gets too quiet again.
Hope…
Thankfully God heard my heart. I went to church this morning and I heard THE very sermon that I didn’t even know I desperately needed to hear! I’m still quite new to Christianity and haven’t spent much time thinking about what comes after this life. Today I learned that if I’m feeling despair in this world (Shocker… I’m not the only one), it’s because there is NO real hope to be found here. Our hope can only come from what awaits us after this life… resurrection and eternity with God. Resurrection. That’s our Jesus’ cornerstone. He lived. He died. He resurrected. That means that we will too. I’ve read enough proof that my critical mind is satisfied with my conclusion and my heart already knows this to be fact, so belief has become the easy part. Now it’s time to build my faith in having received the grace to get to spend forever with Jesus.
Our Pastor says we need to stay centered on this hope so that we are able to fulfill our purpose for being here. I’m sure I’ve heard that many times before, but apparently not absorbed it because today it brought me to tears. Why? Because today was the first time I’d really caught a glimpse of what we can anticipate in Heaven and why it’s so important that we stay here as long as he requires.
Purpose…
So just what’s our purpose? To bring the light of our loving God to those around us who also want out of the despair of hopelessness. I personally think God’s light manifests differently for each Christian. For me today, it simply means that even the smallest acts of connection, kindness and love matter, including finding the courage to open my mouth or use my keyboard, when the Holy Spirit moves me to share.