Author: Kellie Cowles

Even after giving myself permission to write about whatever’s on my mind, I still find myself wanting to create material that will gain me admiration, respect, love and connection. So I keep writing, deleting, rewriting and trying to eliminate my manipulative filters.

I’m angry, in fact I’m furious with myself because I’m disgusted by a thousand things I see around me and I don’t speak up.  I’m afraid… that if I speak of these things, at best I’ll open myself up to debate or attack from those who are better informed, more articulate or just plain aggressive.  At worst, I’ll open myself up to ostracization, retaliation, or hatred.  Since I’m also a coward, the whole thought of these reactions makes me sick to my stomach.

I’m at least casual friends with people who run the gamut of different opinions and beliefs, some of which are so repellant to me that on the rare occasion when I’m exposed to them, my skin absolutely crawls.  I’m able to maintain these friendships by not engaging with them in any volatile topics.  I used to think this was a kind of “can’t we all just get along” tolerance but I don’t any longer.   Ignoring even subtle displays of homophobia, bigotry and cruelty is not tolerance, its cowardice.

I’m the one paying the price for my silence.   To keep the peace, I’ve had to become detached from the things I’m slowly realizing matter a great deal to me.   Matters of justice, equality, compassion, stewardship and personal freedom.  I’ve had to shut my eyes, my ears, my mouth and my heart.  All this compromising is making me bitter, depressed and frankly, moody as hell.  When it gets too much, I withdraw from even “safe” friends and just spend time alone, surfing social media and news sites… getting angrier and crazier by the month.  (I guess it’s really no wonder why I’m still single after all my dating efforts, lol!)

If for no other reason than preservation of my sanity (and any hopes of a love life), I’m done being silent.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to start spamming my social media pages with derogatory memes or start trolling for fights.  It means I’m going to start using my voice and hands to help change a culture of fear, hatred, and detachment to a culture where unity, compassion and love are held in the highest regard.

“Social change is a million individual acts of kindness.  Culture change is a million subversive acts of resistance.” – Mary Pfeiffer, Reviving Ophelia

I’ve already blogged that I turned a corner in May and have been spending the summer figuring out how to do things differently.  That’s the only way to get different results, right?

Now it’s all about getting comfortable with being uncomfortable and creating routines….  Monday, Wednesday and Friday I’m up at 4am and at the gym by 5:15.  Meeting Jean there not only insures I won’t bail, but also keeps me on task and focused… not to mention that she’s just a hoot to hang with and knows simply everyone!

It was quite uncomfortable to establish this part of the routine because it required getting used to less sleep (until I can consistently get to bed earlier), confronting old ghosts and embracing an environment that I’d prefer not to. Nothing against Foothill Gym, I’m just not crazy about gyms, mirrors, sweaty strangers, yada yada.  Too bad, so sad, go anyway.

I’m already over the hump of settling in and am seeing results… which are very easy to monitor thanks to the SheStrength program and app.  Not only do I get to track my daily efforts, I get to see the team personal record progressions.   We are all progressing and it’s great to see and cheer each other on.

      

Thursdays and Sundays are my hiking/running/yoga days.  These are by far my favorite days because I can at least figuratively catch up with my friends.  This is what the running days look like…

Chasing rabbits… I so love it.  I only catch them when they stop, yet they never get so far ahead of me that I feel demoralized.  Inspired and determined are the best feelings for pushing myself.  Especially when it’s over and I’ve run 6 miles (with a few quick stops and water crossings) for the first time in a year.

The hiking days start at 5:45am and are slightly easier in that we generally walk, but my friends have such strong fast legs (even some of the shortest ones, lol) that I’ve yet to find myself in the front.   On those days, the periodic furry towrope is a still treat although I’m starting to prefer just watching the pups run ahead and play!

Thank you Jean for showing up at the right time and the right place to be part of my catalyst for change.  You are the absolute best and so are Benny and Harley!!

Coming up in 10 days…  a four-day backpacking trip up to the Jennie Lakes Wilderness with my two absolutely amazing back backing peeps!   Our last trip was in March while I was still hip deep in the problem and I wasn’t myself… physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.  This trip will be so completely different.  I’m really looking forward to stretching my legs in the wilderness!

No matter what we have going on in our lives, it won’t last.  The bad days will pass as will the good days.  They are all just cycles and subject to starting and stopping.  So often,  they are influenced more by our attitude and actions than any set of circumstances.

We can let go.  We can change.  We can create new experiences.  We can create new memories.  I’m assuming we only pass through this world once so our time here is way too short to squander on unnecessary suffering.   I just had to be willing to let go of my present reality and welcome change…. and now the change has come.  Yay!