Author: Kellie Cowles

When I wrote my last post in November, I had no idea what doors it would open and close. I’ve forced myself to go down what feels like a hundred different rabbit holes of research, trying to decipher fact from fiction in the media, searching for the actual truth in topics fraught with bias and emotion… immigration, human rights, politics.

The experience has been been truly life changing because it’s challenged everything I’d always assumed to be fact. I’m just entering the learning curve, but I’ve already moved past tons of my own personal bias to see the world from the eyes of others. People believe what they do because they think it’s the truth. How can we ever come together as a world, country, town, business or family if we are not willing to see the world from the eyes of our opponents?

As part of my discovery process, I’ve been posting on social media with actively controversial topics. I even had the courage to attend an event I would have immediately scorned and dismissed just months ago. Having had the audacity to even question publicly has already cost me a slew of social media “friends” and the goodwill of someone I was just starting to date.

It is unbelievably scary to keep going and further risk negative public opinion and by extension, my safety, security and comfort. It’s also the right thing to do. Like it or not. Easy or not. The thing about change is that it can’t be stopped. It’s coming to the world all around me and the only thing I can do is get in front of the wave and ride it out. So that’s what I’m doing.

I met one of my besties for dinner on Friday night to walk through my greatest fear (abandonment) by forcing myself to be transparent and engage my questions with someone of super strong beliefs. When the evening was over, I had given voice to all questions and concerns and she had responded with calmness, thoughtfulness and thoroughly opposing opinions. Never once did she get offended or ask me to leave, and I was totally prepared for that worst case scenario. Instead, she said something to the effect that we have to love our friends with all our differences and if it gets too hard, then we steer clear of the painful topics until we can approach them with love and a true desire to find harmony. In other words, we don’t throw away our friends because we don’t agree with them.

I need to believe that’s really true, that love can and will triumph. Our world is a real mess and I’m greatly worried about our future. The only way I can see that we are going to get through it is with huge effort and willingness to put ourselves at risk for the greater good.

“Where we go one, we go all.”

Even after giving myself permission to write about whatever’s on my mind, I still find myself wanting to create material that will gain me admiration, respect, love and connection. So I keep writing, deleting, rewriting and trying to eliminate my manipulative filters.

I’m angry, in fact I’m furious with myself because I’m disgusted by a thousand things I see around me and I don’t speak up.  I’m afraid… that if I speak of these things, at best I’ll open myself up to debate or attack from those who are better informed, more articulate or just plain aggressive.  At worst, I’ll open myself up to ostracization, retaliation, or hatred.  Since I’m also a coward, the whole thought of these reactions makes me sick to my stomach.

I’m at least casual friends with people who run the gamut of different opinions and beliefs, some of which are so repellant to me that on the rare occasion when I’m exposed to them, my skin absolutely crawls.  I’m able to maintain these friendships by not engaging with them in any volatile topics.  I used to think this was a kind of “can’t we all just get along” tolerance but I don’t any longer.   Ignoring even subtle displays of homophobia, bigotry and cruelty is not tolerance, its cowardice.

I’m the one paying the price for my silence.   To keep the peace, I’ve had to become detached from the things I’m slowly realizing matter a great deal to me.   Matters of justice, equality, compassion, stewardship and personal freedom.  I’ve had to shut my eyes, my ears, my mouth and my heart.  All this compromising is making me bitter, depressed and frankly, moody as hell.  When it gets too much, I withdraw from even “safe” friends and just spend time alone, surfing social media and news sites… getting angrier and crazier by the month.  (I guess it’s really no wonder why I’m still single after all my dating efforts, lol!)

If for no other reason than preservation of my sanity (and any hopes of a love life), I’m done being silent.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to start spamming my social media pages with derogatory memes or start trolling for fights.  It means I’m going to start using my voice and hands to help change a culture of fear, hatred, and detachment to a culture where unity, compassion and love are held in the highest regard.

“Social change is a million individual acts of kindness.  Culture change is a million subversive acts of resistance.” – Mary Pfeiffer, Reviving Ophelia