Despair….
This holiday season has been by far the hardest I’ve had to walk through since I first became a single, sober woman 17+ years ago. Is it the crushing weight of the outside world? There’s no denying that we live in very dark times. Or, maybe it’s my inside world… This is my last holiday season as a “fifty-something” and I’m closing in on my sixth decade alone, without a spouse to grow old and senile together. Or maybe it’s because I’ve finally stopped aggressively trying to date and even discontinued the hormone therapy that did nothing but forestall the inevitable course of my aging.
I’ve always been an “up by the bootstraps” kind of gal, optimistic to a fault and never held down long by setbacks or defeat. That is until recently, when the perfect storm of all these realities hit me upside the head and left me reeling.
There are many worthwhile things that keep me occupied… from attending church activities and bible studies, to coaching my clients and slowly building a successful business, planning my 60th birthday challenge, executing effective fitness training, and simply spending time with close friends. These are all wonderful ways to pass my time, but when I am trapped by despair even the best of days feel futile.
I’ve been doing everything I know to shift my perspective… visiting my favorite therapist, giving myself permission to eat almost unlimited comfort foods (like my mom’s stuffed pork chops and tuna casserole of all things), even knowing I’ll pay a scale price when I get to the other side of whatever this is. I’ve also been fully celebrating the holidays with friends and not hiding from them like I’d have preferred. That has at least given me many moments of joy to help temper the darkness that descends when the world gets too quiet again.
Hope…
Thankfully God heard my heart. I went to church this morning and I heard THE very sermon that I didn’t even know I desperately needed to hear! I’m still quite new to Christianity and haven’t spent much time thinking about what comes after this life. Today I learned that if I’m feeling despair in this world (Shocker… I’m not the only one), it’s because there is NO real hope to be found here. Our hope can only come from what awaits us after this life… resurrection and eternity with God. Resurrection. That’s our Jesus’ cornerstone. He lived. He died. He resurrected. That means that we will too. I’ve read enough proof that my critical mind is satisfied with my conclusion and my heart already knows this to be fact, so belief has become the easy part. Now it’s time to build my faith in having received the grace to get to spend forever with Jesus.
Our Pastor says we need to stay centered on this hope so that we are able to fulfill our purpose for being here. I’m sure I’ve heard that many times before, but apparently not absorbed it because today it brought me to tears. Why? Because today was the first time I’d really caught a glimpse of what we can anticipate in Heaven and why it’s so important that we stay here as long as he requires.
Purpose…
So just what’s our purpose? To bring the light of our loving God to those around us who also want out of the despair of hopelessness. I personally think God’s light manifests differently for each Christian. For me today, it simply means that even the smallest acts of connection, kindness and love matter, including finding the courage to open my mouth or use my keyboard, when the Holy Spirit moves me to share.
Thank you for sharing your heart- this is exactly what I needed to hear today ❤️
Thank you for commenting. 🤗
Beautiful Kelly, I am so glad this caught my eye this morning. So recently I can’t down with Strep Throat 😷 it was shocking because I’ve not been this sick in years . I felt mad almost, irritated, I don’t have time too be sick ? I’ve got way too much too do I thought to myself. Chills hit me so hard, teeth shattered, lips blue and my throat and neck tender to touch let alone how awful I felt . Forced to be sidlined, I gave up and went too bed. For 3 days I rested, I found myself down at the Vietnamese restaurant looking for vegetarian broth filled with healing properties. As my head began to clear I realized, I was forced to my knees because I needed to detox, convalesce and slow down , rest. During which time I’ve realized quite a few things . You might think this sounds grazy, but I feel I have angles around me that occasionally hold me down, and say hey stop and listen please . This is one of those moments. There is change in the wind. Your about to turn 60 this why the reflection, it is what we do as women, I actually had that moment at 30, 40 and , 50. What I discovered in myself was at 50 I decided that my life begins at 50! My life turned around at 50. I became happier because finally had the confidence to decide too. I think as women rolling into 60 is more power. Why ? Because you are confident, solid, beautiful, you know who you are. You are valuable, you are heathy. I have the book the law of attraction, I am dropping that off too you . You are where you see your self, where your thoughts and energy lie is where you will be. If you say it and imagine it, you are a product of your imagination. My father re married at 64 after he lost mother 11 years earlier . I meet a lady on my last trip to NZ from Toronto who was 70 and her new husband was 90 , yes 90. He was down in NZ skiing the elps . You just be you, open your heart to new relationship, and be ready to receive and feel joy in your heart for the small things each day . The angles are around you, you are a part of God we all are . Never give up on the happiness you seek it’s will you every day ! I loved reading your blog it’s so open and beautiful written. Your a beautiful 💓 heart. So glad to know you . I will swing these by next couple of days . Cheers nicola speranta
Oh my goodness! I don’t always get notices when someone posts on my blog and I just got this thought that I better check it. Ah, Nicola. I love your reply, thank you! I’m definitely on the upswing and really appreciate your thoughts and experience. I’m just leaving God in Charge and focusing on the things that make me happy… like Christmas. Lisa is a terrific addition to our little homey haven, she even loves holiday decorating too! I’m so glad you found her. Merry Christmas and I hope you’re fully healed and back at being your superhero self! 🤗😘
Rest assured, Kellie. You are not the only one. Thank you for sharing your process so honestly – it is comforting to read the words that remind me I am in good company, though I wish the commonality we currently share contained less angst and more lightness of being. I, too, am looking for the wisdom meant to be learned in what I am calling a “growth spurt”. I will keep you in mind during my morning conversations with my Higher Power, and will trust that everything is working out for the highest good. Do we have to be awake for the “working-out” part of this???? Could we hibernate through it, and wake up more evolved and joyful?? Because I’m in for that! ~Margaret
Sister that’d just be too easy.
You are certainly not alone with your despair as to what it is we are supposed to bring or take from this life on earth. As I reached the age of 60, I too felt so much grief and confusion. I became a solo traveler after 31 yrs of companionship with the love of my life. I lost him and all that I believed in and lived for to another much younger woman. My goals in my life were always simple, become a wife, a mom and while I thought that I had at least kept one after losing the mom one, it was a massive blow to lose the wife one as well. I struggle daily with trying to figure out what my purpose is. I too cant find the light at the end of the tunnel. Unlike you though I also cant find the reason to go to a higher power. I can’t find the desire or energy in my heart to believe there is a God or a place to worship something I dont know if I believe in. It’s a difficult journey and like you I yearn for that companionship and just someone to come home to like I used to have. I have so much guilt in my heart for losing what i thought I’d never lose. It’s a cold hard slap of reality. But what are you supposed to do? I live day to day in a false kind of happiness. No one has a clue how I really feel cause honestly no one wants to hear how I really feel. My thoughts of life after death are filled with a slight hope that I may get to meet my daughter eventually. I was afraid of death before I had her. Then in Hope’s of meeting her one day, I lost my fear and sometimes even look forward to dying to see her. But I just dont know if it’s a for sure thing. I wonder so often what it is I’m supposed to do now that I am doing it alone. It’s a very distinct feeling of instability and insecurity. And yet I wake up every day and face the world with a smile and a helping hand only to end the day in the same lonely and full of fear state. I wish you peace and hopeful guidance in this disturbing world we are a part of. Love you, Kelley and that you may depend on if that helps.
Ah Brenda, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. It’s so hard to make sense of this world, especially when we’re going it alone. I’ve no idea where my journey is leading either, but I am eternally grateful to have the comfort of God in my life. He touches me in the most unexpected ways and always when I need it most. I’ll pray that he shows you a path to him that can provide you with a lifeline too. Love you sister!
PS… my church is having a Christmas concert on Sunday evening the 22nd. If you’d like to go with me, I’d love to have you so just drop me a FB message and we’ll work out logistics. ❤️😘