https://flic.kr/p/6pQBMp
Even after giving myself permission to write about whatever’s on my mind, I still find myself wanting to create material that will gain me admiration, respect, love and connection. So I keep writing, deleting, rewriting and trying to eliminate my manipulative filters.
I’m angry, in fact I’m furious with myself because I’m disgusted by a thousand things I see around me and I don’t speak up. I’m afraid… that if I speak of these things, at best I’ll open myself up to debate or attack from those who are better informed, more articulate or just plain aggressive. At worst, I’ll open myself up to ostracization, retaliation, or hatred. Since I’m also a coward, the whole thought of these reactions makes me sick to my stomach.
I’m at least casual friends with people who run the gamut of different opinions and beliefs, some of which are so repellant to me that on the rare occasion when I’m exposed to them, my skin absolutely crawls. I’m able to maintain these friendships by not engaging with them in any volatile topics. I used to think this was a kind of “can’t we all just get along” tolerance but I don’t any longer. Ignoring even subtle displays of homophobia, bigotry and cruelty is not tolerance, its cowardice.
I’m the one paying the price for my silence. To keep the peace, I’ve had to become detached from the things I’m slowly realizing matter a great deal to me. Matters of justice, equality, compassion, stewardship and personal freedom. I’ve had to shut my eyes, my ears, my mouth and my heart. All this compromising is making me bitter, depressed and frankly, moody as hell. When it gets too much, I withdraw from even “safe” friends and just spend time alone, surfing social media and news sites… getting angrier and crazier by the month. (I guess it’s really no wonder why I’m still single after all my dating efforts, lol!)
If for no other reason than preservation of my sanity (and any hopes of a love life), I’m done being silent. That doesn’t mean I’m going to start spamming my social media pages with derogatory memes or start trolling for fights. It means I’m going to start using my voice and hands to help change a culture of fear, hatred, and detachment to a culture where unity, compassion and love are held in the highest regard.
“Social change is a million individual acts of kindness. Culture change is a million subversive acts of resistance.” – Mary Pfeiffer, Reviving Ophelia
Kellie, I love what you wrote, as you say for your well being, not necessarily for the change it will bring. Keep writing girl, you are good, and have something important to say. Love Steph
I find this voice very uplifting and invigorating. I too, agree there is a lot of irrepairable damage being allowed for my fellow brown skin, black skin, gay and female Americans. So much of it that I find myself also mad at my fear and angst of not speaking up when I hear the ignorance and intoleration spewed from mouths of people I know and at one time held in high regard. So I hear you, stand with you and feel your rant and am willing to have your back should the time come when you just cant let it slide any longer….❤
I aplaud you Kellie.
With love,
Michele
This. What a privilege to bear witness to your courage in full bloom. Keep writing, Kellie. We need your voice.